To anybody reading this who hasn't thrown up their hands in disgust and left many chapters ago, thank you for sticking around through all my shark-jumping. I'll probably never top this shit right here, so enjoy what is probably the height of my insane writing. I'll almost certainly write in a comparably more sane fashion going forward, though I don't plan to stop embracing sheer bombast for the sake of it in stories that deserve it.
Not far away, Elsa screamed for all she was worth as scores of tiny imps chewed her exposed flesh from her bones, only for it to reappear seconds later. The effeminate vampire shooed the imps away with cones of lightning, then took off his cloak and put it over Elsa. She shot him a small smile as her wounds healed again beneath the protective cover, but he did not return the gesture. “We can smile once we’re back on the surface.”, he barked, “Let’s find the others. We’ll need the angel girl’s help to get out of here, and we’re all going to have to fight together to get past the guards.” Elsa stuck close to him as they made their way toward a faint golden light showing from above, far away. She knew that all of her hand-to-hand prowess was little good here. She was, after all, the only mere human in the group. Despite that, she received a telepathic message, clear as the light before them. “Meet at the mouth of Styx.”, the message said. Elsa discerned the voice as being Alicia’s. “You heard that, right?”, she said to the vampire walking beside her. He nodded, and proceeded to bat away a score of demons with a whoosh of harsh wind from his left hand.
Zack and Mary fought back to back, taking out wave after wave of demons in all shapes and sizes, some tens of thousands of feet tall and just as wide. They were both equally surprised to find that Mary was able to loose powerful holy energy to fell the beasts, and Zack was able to imbue that same energy into his sword blows. Mary’s power seemed limited compared to her magic, but it was just what they needed for their situation. The two made short work of every demonic challenger within a sizeable radius, then received the same instruction; to meet at the mouth of the river Styx. Somehow, they both knew to follow the feeble light shining down from above them, far in the distance.
Alicia thought that she had renounced any angelic power she had in going with Gerard’s plan to defy Death, but she found that her unadorned hands and bare, unpainted feet tore through demons like paper. Her wings were spread tall and wide, guiding her through the stuffy skies of Hell to meet her attackers head-on. Something in her gut told her that Gerard had made the right choice, even if it didn’t seem like it at the time. She could sense that her friends had all gotten her subconscious message to meet at the mouth of Styx, and she followed the light above her head to get there.
Gerard had fully embraced a power most foul, and planned to stretch it beyond its potential in order to usurp it. This wasn’t the first time that he had decided to simply wing something and hope it worked out; indeed, it was his main strategy to get through high school, relationships, and even living as an adult. He felt that using himself as a catalyst to channel the power of darkness more effectively than the first fallen angel was an utterly ridiculous plan and would probably end in tears, but all the same, he felt it was his only choice. To call Gerard’s experience with this sort of thing minimal at this point was horribly optimistic. Still, he pressed on toward Styx, knowing that seeing Alicia again, and perhaps the rest of the ragtag group he now ran with, would be all the motivation he would need, or could possibly muster. He saw demon corpses on the ground below, littered for miles, and smiled to himself. His friends and lover had apparently acclimated to demon killing rather quickly and easily, and he was all the more confident in what he was about to do, even if he was still terrified.
The six of them arrived at the mouth of Styx, awash in lost souls making their way in kicking and screaming. “Why did you get to keep your clothes?”, Gerard muttered, gesturing toward the effeminate vampire. “I fashioned these from the hide of the first demon I killed, thank you very much. Yet you’re all content to run through Hell in the nude as if it’s your childhood home. Very becoming of a group of heroes planning to try resisting God’s plan to end the world.” Gerard shook his head. “Whatever,” he said, then spoke up for the whole group’s benefit. “Here’s the plan, guys. That little glimmer of light up there has got to be a way out, so let’s try to force it open. If that doesn’t work, well… we can’t just ask Satan nicely, I’m sure.” The whole group let out a collective sigh. “Gerard, you’re going to get yourself killed. Again.”, Alicia chimed in. Gerard nodded curtly and gave her a quick “mm-hm.” Zack interjected, “If we can blast the hole open, we can leave without having to do all that, right?” Everybody gave a collectively half-hearted agreement, and the six joined hands. “Think happy thoughts.”, Gerard said as he took his place at the center of the group. “I’m serious.” After taking a few seconds to focus, the six managed to attune themselves into Gerard, and he focused the energy far more effectively than he anticipated. A massive wave of energy erupted from his eyes and blew a massive hole in the roof of Hell, letting in blinding light from the world above. The hole sealed up before anybody could blink, and the light was gone. “Going somewhere, shitstains?!”, a powerful voice thundered from the depths. The source of the voice erupted from below with a burst of fire in its wake. The six stood boldly before the beautiful form that they could only assume was Lucifer, not one of them willing to let on just how scared they were. Gerard was the first to break formation and step forward. “We’re leaving.”, he called across the void. Satan’s clawed hand raised slightly, and when it came down, Gerard came down with it, smashing through the ground and into the lava below. His screams died away rather quickly, replaced by Alicia’s quiet tears and some mutters of incredulity from the rest of the group. “Anybody else?”, the devil chortled. The group stood frozen before the lord of the underworld, unsure of what to do next. Earthshattering force came from below met Satan, blasting him aside. Gerard flew up on black wings. “I’m not going to make this easy for you, motherfucker!”, he cried. A sword and shield materialized in his hands, and he sent volleys of fire, ice and electricity in the devil’s direction. With a chuckle, the father of lies dodged the magical misslies and locked eyes with his prey. “Oh, I haven’t had a live one like you in quite some time, Gerard. Make it fun for me, eh?” An opaque red barrier surrounded the two fighters. Gerard, still surging with the powerful energies his friends had passed on to him, took in more of the dark powers around him, and Lucifer felt that same power draining from his body, bit by bit.
Gerard wasted no time in continuing the bout. Pillars of light and all sorts of magic filled the arena, never putting so much as a dent in the crimson barrier. Satan dodged or deflected the whole barrage with relative ease, taking care to make it obvious to Gerard that he was using far less than his full strength. Still, they both knew this fight would have to be over quickly one way or the other; Gerard had tapped into something in himself that seemed to be able to hold an infinite amount of power, and he was slowly siphoning the devil’s unholy energy. Either Satan would end Gerard decisively before he could take too much of his power, or Gerard would hold his own long enough to get on even footing with the king of Hell and then use his massive store of holy and magical power to wipe him from the surface of the underworld. Satan willed a pair of assault rifles to populate his hands, wielded a third with his tail, and sprouted a second pair of arms to hold two glowing red swords. Gerard’s own pistols appeared holstered at his sides, and the two exchanged gunfire. Many of the bullets collided in midair, but the few that ripped through the haze left telling damage on their targets. Both fighters had already begun healing from the massive holes left by the bullets when a pillar of hellfire met a cone of holy lightning and both stopped cold. Satan’s two swords met Gerard’s blade and shield just as the two energies fizzled out, and the two inched back to slash savagely at one another. Their weapons kept meeting, faster and faster as Satan unleashed more power and Gerard absorbed more. After a few seconds, the two flew apart to fire more magic at one another. This time, Gerard’s light broke through the barrier of hellfire and flung Satan against the crimson wall behind him.
“I’m done playing around with you, peasant.”, Lucifer growled. His eyes took on a strange heat, glowing red and golden all at once. “And I with you!”, Gerard screamed in response, “You won’t keep me from saving my loved ones and my world!” Satan’s retaliatory laughter died down when pallid energy erupted from Gerard in all directions, tearing his barrier apart with a sound not unlike glass breaking. The crimson wall faded away to reveal Gerard’s group on their knees, panting heavily. They were giving everything they had to Gerard, and they all looked up and smiled to see him apparently taking the upper hand. Sweat broke across the devil’s brow for the first time since Jesus’ visit over two thousand years ago. “Stop comparing me to Jesus!”, Gerard yelled, “I’m not some messiah. I’m just too selfish to let my existence go!” With those words, he charged. All of his weapons faded away, and he clashed with Satan fist to fist. Neither gave an inch at first, but the surging energy field around them slowly began to draw a teardrop shape, with less of the energy around Lucifer. Gerard spun fast on his wings to issue a flurry of kicks, and Satan frantically blocked them with his wrists. His second set of arms was gone, and while both of his hands were busy with Gerard’s feet, the vampire hybrid lurched forward and sunk his teeth into Satan’s neck, then bled him dry. The defeated lord of Hell crumpled to the ground below, now cracking and twisting in want of its master’s stabilizing power. Gerard let go of his friends’ power, and they all rose to their feet. Some part of him wanted to finish this on his own, so he did. A single punch, drawing only on his strength of will and the vampiric blood from his father, shattered Lucifer’s face, and what was left of the devil fell backwards and down into the fiery pit. Everybody except Elsa opened wings and took flight, with the effeminate vampire carrying Elsa.
The six of them made their way out of Hell and found themselves back at Philemon’s fountain, fully dressed and equipped. Death awaited them yet again. “You have nowhere to go when I purge your souls this time, you wretched dogs!”, Death cried out in distress, “Do you have any idea how much you’ve upset God’s plans by destroying Hell?!” Gerard motioned to his friends, and they focused on him again, pumping the full measure of their power and will into him. His black wings sprouted again, and he barreled into the reaper with unabashed force. Death coughed up a bit of golden blood as he hit the ground. Gerard felt his power surge out of control, pouring from him like a river. His friends all glowed, drawing in turn from the new power that they had helped Gerard to create. Death looked at the six of them, awed. “What… what are you all?!”, he spat as he got up and made his exit. “I honestly don’t know…”, Gerard sighed. Sidney and Philemon approached from the shadows, their jaws slack. “Y-you just…”, Philemon stuttered. After a few silent seconds, Sidney turned toward Gerard. “You’ve destroyed Hell, haven’t you?” Gerard simply nodded. “Killed Satan and drank his blood, at that.” Sidney’s face lit up. “I knew my faith in you was not misplaced, Master Gerard!” He threw his arms around the half-vampire and dripped a few happy tears on his shoulder. Gerard patted Sidney on the back a few times, then pushed him away. “That won’t be a big issue, Sidney.”, Gerard said solemnly, “Unfortunately, I’ve got bigger fish to fry. Turns out this castle was an instrument meant to end the planet, and I have to somehow convince God not to go through with it.” Sidney sat down on the edge of the fountain and was joined by Philemon. “I believe in you, Master Gerard. If anybody can make a case for human tenacity, it would be you.”
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